From awkward to confident.
Without years of trial and error.
As a nerd, if you want to learn how to be more social, chances are high that you’ll turn to the internet. You’ll search “how to become more charismatic” on Google, or you’ll ask ChatGPT how to find a partner.
But there’s a problem: there are millions of possible answers that you can receive. How can you tell which answers are helpful, and which ones aren’t?
Overwhelmed by the sheer volume of content, most nerds end up falling into one of several common traps. I’ve created a short guide to help you avoid those pitfalls.
As a nerd, if you want to learn how to be more social, chances are high that you’ll turn to the internet. You’ll search “how to become more charismatic” on Google, or you’ll ask ChatGPT how to find a partner.
But there’s a problem: there are millions of possible answers that you can receive. How can you tell which answers are helpful, and which ones aren’t?
Overwhelmed by the sheer volume of content, most nerds end up falling into one of several common traps. I’ve created a short guide to help you avoid those pitfalls.
There’s More to Human Beings Than Just Logic
We’re not machines that behave according to simple rules like: if X, then Y. We make emotional decisions all the time, and then rationalise them with logic afterwards.
We need our connections with our friends and loved ones, even if we pride ourselves on being independent or self-sufficient. But it’s not facts or logic that connect us. We bond by letting ourselves be seen by other human beings.
People who are socially skilled aren’t focused on appearing “charismatic” or trying to impress. Instead, they’ve learned to share themselves openly, listen carefully to what the other person is telling them, and then decide to what extent it’s possible to build a win-win relationship.
If such a relationship isn’t possible, they’re prepared to walk away. They won’t manipulate the other person into serving their interests, because they respect each individual’s right to their own autonomy. To them, it’s better to have no relationship than one built on pretense.
How Nerds Can Learn to Be Social
Although I’m a big fan of therapy, it’s not always the best tool for a nerd who wants to build social skills. Therapy can sometimes leave you wrestling with issues in your head, rather than getting out into the world and meeting real people. Most therapists spend more time analysing your childhood than teaching you concrete skills like active listening.
Many nerds enjoy playing video games or board games in their spare time. We often use them to relax and forget the stress of daily life. We forget what children know instinctively: that play can be both connecting and a source of learning. Whilst many adults tell themselves they’ve outgrown play, nerds often stay in touch with that more creative part of themselves. That’s a strength — one that can be harnessed to grow socially.
Ultimately, anyone can learn social skills, provided they’re willing to put in the work. But it does require action. You can’t just study theory, like you did in school. A therapist can’t solve this for you in 50 minutes a week. At some point, you need to go out into the world and confront reality.
This is a process that requires discipline over time. At least 6 months, perhaps longer. It requires repeated practice, aimed at getting 1% better every day rather than getting people to like you.
But it’s also a process that can be fun, and even feel like play. You just need the right supportive environment around you: one that merges the best aspects of community, worksheets, coaching and games. That’s why I created Social Skills for Nerds.
But it’s also a process that can be fun, and even feel like play. You just need the right supportive environment around you: one that merges the best aspects of community, worksheets, coaching and games. That’s why I created Social Skills for Nerds.
Hi, I’m Geoff, founder of Social Skills for Nerds.
I’m a coach and a writer. But I’m also a nerd at heart. I love board games like Gloomhaven, video games like Age of Empires, and I watch videos on music theory for fun.
As a kid, I did well academically, but consistently struggled to connect to the people around me. I had no friends for many years, and I actively avoided going out to parties.
For a long time, I was lonely, isolated and depressed, even though I thought I was “doing the right thing” by studying hard and taking my work seriously.
In 2010, I decided that I didn’t want to live this way anymore. So I embarked on a mission to learn social skills and open myself up to deeper connections with other people.
After 15 years of trial and error, a lot of therapy and countless hours of self-study, I now have a thriving social life. My relationships have also become more important to me than my work, which is something I never thought I would say.
To help other people like me, I’ve condensed my journey into a process that anyone can learn.
Hi, I’m Geoff, founder of Social Skills for Nerds.
I’m a coach and a writer. But I’m also a nerd at heart. I love board games like Gloomhaven, video games like Age of Empires, and I watch videos on music theory for fun.
As a kid, I did well academically, but consistently struggled to connect to the people around me. I had no friends for many years, and I actively avoided going out to parties.
For a long time, I was lonely, isolated and depressed, even though I thought I was “doing the right thing” by studying hard and taking my work seriously.
In 2010, I decided that I didn’t want to live this way anymore. So I embarked on a mission to learn social skills and open myself up to deeper connections with other people.
After 15 years of trial and error, a lot of therapy and countless hours of self-study, I now have a thriving social life. My relationships have also become more important to me than my work, which is something I never thought I would say.
To help other people like me, I’ve condensed my journey into a process that anyone can learn.
What people are saying about Social Skills for Nerds
You might enjoy this if you…
- Feel awkward in social settings. You’re confident at work or in your studies, but when it comes to connecting with other people, you freeze up and don’t know what to say.
- Find it hard to connect with others and make friends. You have one or two friends from childhood who you’ve known since forever. But making new friends seems impossible. You don’t get how some people seem to hang out with their friends multiple times a week.
- Are prone to overthinking during conversations. In social situations, you can sometimes suffer from analysis paralysis and get stuck in your head. You also secretly worry about how other people perceive you.
- Struggle to pick up on others’ intentions or emotions. You wish that people were more straightforward and would just tell you to your face.
- Are an introvert who’s more comfortable around things than people. Being on your own just feels safer. And there’s no drama when you’re programming or doing technical work.
- Have tried therapy, only to find it too emotional or generic. You’re sick of being asked how your childhood was, or being told you should speak about your feelings. Isn’t there more to it than that?
Feel like it could be a fit? Here are 3 ways to get started:
1. Get to know me better
Download my list of mistakes nerds make when learning to socialise, or browse some resources that inspired me on my journey.
2. Take a self-service approach
Go through a quick worksheet with some friends, or build your social skills by playing specially-designed board games.
3. Let me guide you
Register for a social skills group workshop, or sign up for my private coaching program: The Social Mastery System.
1. Get to know me better
Download my list of mistakes nerds make when learning to socialise, or browse some resources that inspired me on my journey.
2. Take a self-service approach
Go through a quick worksheet with some friends, or build your social skills by playing specially-designed board games.
3. Let me guide you
Register for a social skills group workshop, or sign up for my private coaching program: The Social Mastery System.
Disclaimer: I go to great lengths to ensure that the material I share is helpful and accurate. However, the information provided on this website and in coaching sessions is based on personal experience and not intended to be a substitute for advice received from a doctor or other qualified medical professional.